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[hihoplastic]

FanFic: This Is The Way You Say You're Sorry: HouseFic50: (1/1)


Title: This Is The Way You Say You're Sorry
Author: Catherine
Fandom: House, MD
Character/Pairing: House, Cuddy (Wilson)
Prompt: 016: Lies
Word Count: 1032
Rating: PG.13
A/N: Grammar? What's that? / (Vague) spoilers for Finding Judas, Merry Little Christmas and Words and Deeds.
A/N: Muffins to Ollie for the read-through.


i. her door hits the wall with a crack barely audible under his tone, loud and gruff and full of pointed blame. amputation and antibiotics and you did this to her (but at least he doesn't say that) and he's yelling and she's yelling back and people passing the office slow and watch, like they're a train wreck, an injured body, headed towards a cliff. she's saying you can't, you can't and he's saying there's no other way and she's saying find one; he's saying just because it doesn't fit into your pristine idea of motherhood and the way things should be-- and she's saying just because you're in pain doesn't mean that everything's shot to hell and he says this is hell! and then everything goes quiet.

i'm sorry, she says, barely: i wish there was another way (to help you).

there's not (but you could give me my fucking vicodin), he says. flatly. coldly.

she looks down at the file. you're sure this is the only way?



ii. for some ungodly reason she leaves the door unlocked, and he lets himself in. cold hands and cold teeth against her warm skin (she's been hiding under the covers)(the covers and the baby blanket she bought nine weeks ago, when she heard) and he's whispering something. it could be how dare you and it could be i need pills and it's probably how could you do this (to me) but with everything that's happened, she closes her eyes and pretends it's forgiveness; she pretends it's i'm sorry; she pretends that his words and her actions balance each other out.

they don't, but whose favor they'll fall in, neither of them know.



iii. who cares what i think? he says, but knows she does. apologize, he says. why, he replies. because she needs it. i need my vicodin.

(so trade.)

he doesn't like this idea, but suggests it anyway.

you'll apologize for telling me i'll fail as a mother, if i supply your drug habit.

well, when you put it that way--

get out.

he does.



iv. look-- he says, leans on the cane, farther forward: i'm sorry. i... i was in pain. i'm sorry. can we get past this?

past what? she doesn't look up from her desk.

this. you, ignoring me. not everything revolves around you, you know, you have... papers to push. cleavage to flaunt.

fine, she says. good, he replies. first, she starts (he groans) -- tell me you didn't know. (pause.)

know what?

(pause. they hold gaze.) i don't care if it's a lie. tell me you didn't know.

he looks at his feet. i'm sorry, he says. i didn't know, about the... (licks his lips; his voice is strained) you shouldn't give it up, just because--

snap (the file hits the desk): you should have stopped with i'm sorry.



v. the apology was real, he tells himself. he wouldn't have said it if he hadn't meant it (then did he mean what he said to her? does he mean what he says to anyone?)

everybody lies, he says, the hard part is determining when they're lying and when it might be true.

and that? the apology? (he's desperate, but he doesn't care. give me a lifeline, he says. give me something.)

you know the answer to that.

wilson sighs. the problem is, he doesn't.



vi. he sneaks into her office a week from the day and leaves a note in the top drawer of her desk. there's a single flower and a few platitudes attached, and they'll both pretend it was his idea. it doesn't say i'm sorry and it doesn't say forgive me but it makes her smile in that half-true way because she knows by now to read between the lines. it probably isn't genuine and he probably wouldn't mean it if he said it (but he did mean that, and her smile fades) but it probably doesn't matter. after lunch she brings a cup of water back from the cafeteria for the flower, which she sets on her new secretary's desk.

(out of sight, out of mind.)



vii. he says i'm sorry into her neck with butterfly kisses. he says i'm sorry over her lips and across her stomach and behind her knees, little breaths of air and touch of lips.

i'm sorry i dragged you into this. i'm sorry i made you do things you didn't agree with. i'm sorry i didn't trust your judgment. i'm sorry he's not who we wish he was. i'm sorry i used (i'm using) you. i'm sorry, he says, and kisses between her eyes.

it's okay, she says, and lets him.



viii. she's sorry and he's not and that's what it boils down to. she wants to make it up to him (save him) wants to help him (heal him) doesn't want to be his everything (but neither just a shadow). she doesn't want him to love her and she doesn't love him (it would help if she understood what love was, how it felt) but she wants to trust him wants him to trust her wants there to be this little tiny bond, something she can cling to, something he can rely on. she wants him to be happy and she wants him to smile; she wants him free of pain (it doesn't make him smarter. the pills don't make you smarter, house) she wants him to understand. she wants so many things, she topples with their weight.

she thinks she'll start small (she'll give him a job) and work her way up (she'll help him off the pills) and that she won't get lost (and risk her career, her life, her love) but she'll stay true to course (because the rehab's working, house, it's working) and he'll follow through (it has to be real) because he is a good man and she's a good woman and they're both inexplicably strong. they'll make it. one step at a time.

faulty logic, he sneers.
you faked the rehab.

(pause)

god, you're not going to cry are you--

no more, she says. i'm done, she says.

and wishes it were true.

Comments

[snapplesons.livejournal.com]

just for the record, in case i wasn't clear about it: I LOVED THIS. Muchly so.

(Nothing could ever come close to BabyDeath, but, this one? Still a close contender.)

[snapplesons.livejournal.com]

(... nothing could ever surpass BabyDeath ...)

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

BabyDeath is kind of my child, in a way. It's one of the few things I've written where I don't cringe while re-reading it. ^^

But I'm glad you liked this too, 'cause HI if Ollie no like, then is SUCK. And suck, not so good. And grammar? Probably necessary to make that sentence not sound dirty. Care? Not so much.

But: LOVE

[snapplesons.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Dirrrty!

LOOVE. I miss you!

[ex-housecudd821.livejournal.com]

House/Cuddy are almost like a modern-day Romeo/Juliette tragedy in the making. I loved this piece, particularly sections IV and VI ; the style is (oddly) appealing, in an abrupt yet emphatic way. Really awesome.

Cheers, Jérémie

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

They really do play beautifully with that whole unrequited/unconditional love thing -- although probably with a bit more unconditional hatred than Shakespeare would have dished out. ;)

I'm glad the style worked out okay - thank you so much for the review!

[zauberer-sirin.livejournal.com]

your grammar pawns everything. and every time i read your fics i feel compelled to totally rip off your style. your my favourite house writer and i let out a big "squee!" when i saw this popping up in my flist.

this,

she's sorry and he's not and that's what it boils down to. she wants to make it up to him (save him) wants to help him (heal him) doesn't want to be his everything (but neither just a shadow).

i want to marry this bit and have kids with it.

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much! *turns pink* I'm glad I could add some squeefullness to your day. :)

(And you are more than welcome to marry the line, especially if the babies you plan to have are more house fics ^^)

[zauberer-sirin.livejournal.com]

And you are more than welcome to marry the line, especially if the babies you plan to have are more house fics

ha ha, let´s see what we can do about that...

[myrriadd.livejournal.com]

i love this!
i added it to my memories, i hope you don't mind! :>

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

I don't mind at all, I'm flattered! Thank you so much -- I'm glad you liked it!

[ravagedviolet.livejournal.com]

this should be printed in the bible. its that inspiring, that powerful. you should be god.

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... Old Testament or New Testament? I have to say I'm partial to the former - big floods, horrid women, lots of people having lots of sex with lots of different spouses -- but then again, the New Testament has locus. So.

*grin* I'm really glad you liked it. That means a lot coming from you. :)



If I'm God, can I smite the evil witch?

[allibabab.livejournal.com]

Absolutely beautiful. It all says so much, and you have so many poignant, poetic lines in here, like she wants so many things, she topples with their weight, and my favorite line, because of the way it's structured and phrased, snap (the file hits the desk): you should have stopped with i'm sorry.

Just... lovely. Spectacular job.

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! It's so much fun to play around with the sentence structure, and these characters are already so tragic and poignant, it doesn't take much wielding on my part. *g*

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! :)

[tiggpwns.livejournal.com]

That's... That's... -shock- That is *wow*. Pure and simple *wow*.

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

*g* Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. :)

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

Nicely done. I really love the way you've used brackets to put in the ulterior things.

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

I'm in love with all the things they never say to each other, and parenthesis are such a fun way to manipulate that. ;)

Thank you so much for the review!

[goddesspharo.livejournal.com]

You don't know how excited I was to see that you posted a new fic because I loved, loved, loved (loved!) This Cannot End Well (in fact, I think it might one of my favorite House fics ever) and was hoping you'd write more.

This fic is glorious.

she closes her eyes and pretends it's forgiveness; she pretends it's i'm sorry; she pretends that his words and her actions balance each other out.
This is such a perfect description of their dynamic. I think the only way that Cuddy could function and deal with House is if she let herself believe that they were even -- that no matter how unforgivable or out of control he was being, it was on par with her actions (the leg, the Vicodin, the failed Ketamine) and that she was, in some way, responsible and, therefore, it was okay that she was giving him a little more leeway. The moment Cuddy stops believing in Newton's third law is the moment that it all goes to hell and he truly says or does something that he can't take back and, more importantly, she won't sweep under the rug.

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! That's so sweet; I had such a blast writing that -- grammar is so overrated. ;)
(as demonstrated by above 'sentence')

I'm utterly fascinating by Cuddy's guilt-trip. Granted, I think they overplay it a bit on the show, and I think it has more to do with feelings of responsibility than feelings of guilt, but basically what you said -- what drives her to consistently push everything he does out of sight, and yet still be completely haunted by it, and I'm really anxious to know what, if any, breaking point she has with him.

Thank you again for the comment! (And I love your icon ^^)

[sangria-lila.livejournal.com]

I don't think there is a breaking point with this woman. Breaking points are overrated anyway. And the day they introduce her breaking point is the day I stop watching this show.

[sangria-lila.livejournal.com]

Meep. I think you're a little harsh on House here (though I think you're a little harsh on House in general, ha) but it is beautiful. But for the record, I think he meant, and he didn't mean it. It is crazy, this thing called love.

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

Good. I meant to be harsh-- personally, what he said was unforgivable, and I don't think pain's a good enough excuse -- he's been in that much pain before and it never drove him to be that hurtful. I don't know that I think he meant it, but I don't think he feels bad about it and I don't think he'd ever apologize for it. He's more of a manipulative son of a bitch than people give him credit for. (Which, 95% of the time, is why I love him. Just not in this case. ^^)

Thanks for the review!

[sangria-lila.livejournal.com]

I think he does. He just doesn't know how to say it. With Chase it's a simple can you get it checked out. With Wilson, he can even just say, I know you were trying to help me. With Cuddy, it's layers and layers of hurt he has to get past before he can say sorry. No one seems to consider that Cuddy's actions in dealing with the whole Tritter thing was blatantly incompetant in itself. Your patient is probably in worse pain - you don't even ask him how it feels like, you just cut off his pills. Of course he's not going to take it well. Everyone seems to forget how the second time round must be that much more terrible for House, because he had three months where he was pain free. I'm not saying that Cuddy didn't have it hard, but there are things she could have done better, things that were in her job description to do better.

I think House is smart enough to be nothing but a manipulative son of bitch. But he isn't. He has rules and ethics that he follows. And at the heart of it, he's just a man struggling to live out his life. And it's doubly hard for him because of his leg and his intellect.

[scholarlady.livejournal.com]

hm. i really like vii and iv

[hihoplastic.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much :)